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Tuesday, December 25, 2007

burnt out

I have not been writing here lately, and I am sorry.

My mind has been so full of shit, that I haven't been thinking much, or immersing myself in prayerful introspection, or even admiring written words in the printed form of books (partly because I overspent on books already).

I simply, I haven't have been, anything. I have been perhaps, just preventing myself from being burnt out. But I reckon, I haven't recovered from being burnt out to begin with.

Nevertheless, I space out by living meagrely, hardly reading much save for magazines and trivia, not writing at all, just nursing the cold I perpetually have, the strange < 50 beats a minute my heart sometimes slows down to, trying my very best to take it easy and probably trying too hard to take it easy, or taking it too easy. Whichever it is, I have become the living dead, I don't even think to write. I just live in a cocoon, the kind kids probably have since they are egocentric the moment they are born.

I don't know if taking it easy is the way to go. I am a seething workaholic by nature, no matter how lazy I am sometimes, no matter how often I fall sick. I love to work. I believe my calling largely lays fulfilled through my career, not through what some others do like volunteer work or motherhood. I get annoyed if people don't understand that work is more important than many other things. But lately I take every chance I can to rest at home, to leave work on time or early, to sleep in, to sleep. I try not to worry about what others think of me. I try not to be perfect. I try to do less, say less. Not sure if it helps.

I have become numb from passion. I don't feel anything. Getting in touch with my thoughts and desires will leave me sad and I haven't been sad in a while, let us keep it that way. I rather take things easy. I just hope I don't disappoint too many people while I do that. And that I get better. I really want to not be sick all the time.

At the risk of sounding self-centred I want to list down the affirmations I have heard from folks in my new job:

"You are like the poster girl for charity."

"We feel you are an asset to the company. You are like a breath of fresh air."

"I am more than convinced you are the right person for the job."

If I can garner praise while taking it easy and being sickly, I can't wait till I start to normalise and become well enough for daily work.

But what is normal? I don't like taking it easy. I like working hard. But working hard breaks me down. What is normal? I feel like I am simply making excuses.