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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

unnerved

Every early morning there are heavy delivery lorries that arrive in my block's car park, killing the silence of the night by their making of all kinds of noises. Hoisting, reversing, making tight turns, blaring radio music while unloading, creaky wooden crates and styrofoam boxes being moved, verbal instructions from one delivery mate to another. The noise bothers me in a way where I perpetually wish that each next second would be the one where they stop and leave the car park. Eventually they do, and it is sunrise. I fall asleep by this time on most mornings.


I need something to calm me down. I don't know how to calm down without alcohol; not drinking is great for my health I suppose but it leaves my nerves on a loose end. Alcohol is an unrealistic solution because I can't possibly swig from a bottle when I am in a crowded MRT train which is precisely one of the scenarios that really unnerve me desperately. The best way to go about it at the moment is to take a cab wherever I go. In the dead of the early morning like it is now at the time of writing, where I stress over my morning's affairs, I can only stay awake and read or write to feel better; alternatives include forcing sleep through medicine, which I don't want to do either for fear of a medicinal hangover.


I hope to be normal (again?), they say it is mind over matter. Meanwhile I make conscious choices not to order my books through Amazon so no one will knock my house door unexpectedly to deliver them, stressing me out in the process. I also spend a lot of time sedentary, doing nothing. I wish my heart will beat less hard and fast so I can deal with things better.