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Thursday, October 04, 2007

shit and feeling terrible

I feel terrible. Tonight's terrible comes with the same tiredness but instead of tears to make my eyes even puffier than they already are, it is more like a dreaded weightiness in my chest. I feel cold and weighty. I don't even feel like gaming or reading that much, I just feel numb and lost and I need some reprieve or I would hyperventilate.

I need money but I am too exhausted to work right now. I know that sounds lame but I really feel this way, everything is tiring. Small talk har, har, har is tiring. MRT trains stress me out I nearly scream. Trying to sleep resigns and tires me out. I want my old self back. The one that works like mad and never says die. My physical stamina may be weak but my inner drive is supposed to be strong. I love to work and I want that better job but I am too tired to or simply not qualified or else I am over-qualified for those jobs I don't want. I am moving each day on my inner witness and intuition and painfully removing all that is unnecessary from my life. But while I know my paths will be faithfully laid straight before me as I acknowledge God in everything, I have no energy to walk in them now, no light to see them clearly and too impatient as a result. Workaholics have no time for depression, they are mutually exclusive.

A phoenix needs to die to rise from the ashes.

A seed needs to fall and die to grow and bear fruit.

A murky lake needs to be drained out to find that treasure at the bottom of it.

I ain't giving up yet but I am feeling like shit in the process of it.

I feel like there is no place for me in this world right now. All I have are wretched tears for people in third world nations but with no qualifications to help them. I feel fucking terrible. My talents are useless. I lay them out for the taking for the reaping but nobody wants them. I am the fucking in-between, like the furry monster in Sesame Street who sings the song of the same title while caught in between two monsters unlike himself. The half-full glass. I just want to do something worthwhile and gain something from it, is it too much to ask?! Life is terrible enough and I think that what I am asking for is not unreasonable.