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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

post # 500

I couldn't sleep last night. After gaming, reading, showering, tossing, I gave up. Made some seaweed noodles and watched Jerry Mcguire, ashamedly, for the first time. Stayed up till 5am. Didn't finish the noodles.

I just re-read Lucy Sullivan Is Getting Married. I am like Lucy: I always "don't want to talk about it". I know repression feeds my depression but I am really too tired to explain my problem(s). They are a cock-shit waste of time.

Instead I should be like Jerry Mcguire and write down the solution.

I have also been reading Now, Discover Your Strengths to aid me in finding out what the hell I have been doing wrong, and what I have not been doing right. I am already beginning to suspect, rightly, I hope.

My life has been a series of failures. Maybe they are meant to be there to help me get to the right place. Maybe I am just continually getting it wrong. What makes me the authority to declare I am going to get it right this time? Maybe I never will, in this lifetime. And then I will find out, ho ho ho, it was all just part of the freaking journey of blasted self-fulfillment, in which the goal is not important, hence you will never get it.