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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

knots

I feel terrible. Not that I want to scare you.

There is this wretched feeling in my chest that wants to tie me up in varying degrees. Sometimes it is like an 'oh, shit' feeling, stirred by, say, a memory of me accidentally knocking a cherry off someone's birthday cake and messing it up. That sorta event knocks the perfectionist in me off, and I wrench into a couple of knots. Then sometimes bigger things are suddenly recalled, like shitty accents in people I do not fondly remember, asking me to do stupid things - I remember them and internally kvetch and have bad dreams. And then I think about deeper things like friendship and loss, or read messages about people missing me, and I feel sad. But most times I just knot up, like I do now.

I can hardly sleep properly. I can't sleep till late, and even then, I am ridden over by the knottiness of my memories and thoughts. I wake too early, five hours later, tired, but unable to slink back into bed, till afternoon, where I doze off involuntarily. Lunch is an almost non-affair.

I need more books. They help me sleep and they help.

C asks if I am getting better. He asks me to go out shopping. He tells me not to worry about money. When I made my decision to screw off work he said, "There were times when I felt like doing exactly the same thing, but didn't have the guts to go ahead and do it. In that sense you're a much braver person than I." He says I need to be inspired, to do things I believe in. I think C is really getting the hang of E.

I can hardly bring myself out. First thing I will want to do is to clean my house and redecorate it. When I am able to find energy to do that, I will go out. But now, I am as always a homebody.

My thoughts are so floaty and unconnected. Which is why I write a blog, not author a book.

And all these floaty knotty thoughts keep me awake.

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