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Friday, December 08, 2006

okay I will tell you

I haven't been writing much here, not because I have nothing to say, nor because I lack the time to - I have plenty, but because:

Rigor mortis.

I freeze up, and maybe, I really am dying as much as I am still alive. Tonight I lay in bed, having had past nights of insomnia and waking when I am still tired, and suddenly, really, even my body freezes up. My heart crumples into frozen folds, thumping so hard, I have to get up. There are no ghosts. I am no longer a workaholic in action, but everything freaking stresses me so, even the simplest of decisions incapacitate me! I was just thinking about tomorrow and what I had to do, and my body froze in counterfeited anxiety's place.

I cannot cry, because I no longer feel safe, because I am frozen to remain silent, for and against my sparring will and heart. No, I haven't told myself that I am safe, for I fear my tears will incapacitate me even more.

I know there is something wrong with me physiologically, but I cannot tell anyone. I would love to tell my doctor what is wrong, and I know he will help me (perhaps Xanax, which I know will help), but I don't want to cry, as I have in the face of every revelation about me.

My heart is beating fast, my hands are cold, I feel warm, I am shivering. All I did, was ponder a simple decision. No one will accept me any longer for my weakness.

Frozen: words, friendships, days. They no longer work on my end. Friends take bravado out of me for a hello in return. And I cannot cry.