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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

prayer

I am an emotional wreckage -


I prayed; to alleviate my sense- and worthlessness.


What I got as disguised relief instead were these thoughts reeling through my mind: the ten commandments -yes, I know, perhaps a little passe. Reciting them through my mind, I got to the eighth one I could remember and I felt, shit, I already committed so many wrongs I needn't have to go up to nine and ten. I am so screwed. I couldn't remember them properly anyway. Then God says, 'See, I saved you. I saved you! From these sins. The price for these mistakes was on me on the cross.'


It did little to help my feelings of loss and helplessness, I thought I needed a vision of re-direction, something specific, to uplift my dread and help me sleep at last. Nope. But I was thankful the importance of my salvation came back to me, this whole point of being a Christian. Then, a few moments later it all fizzled out of me, these thoughts.


Lying on my bed beside C while conversing all these thoughts in my mind with God, silence, and sleep eluded me. Lorazepam had yet to kick in, only half a tab anyway. I got up quietly, guilty for probably stirring C in his sleep, and turn on my computer monitor. Nothing I read online gave me relief. I clicked on Bloglines, and chose to read my feeds from Bible Gateway. This is what I got:


“Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”


Now I know why He talked again about Him saving me. Joy of life its very self and salvation from my shame, that precedes everything else. Including motivation and willingness for living passionately, including sustenance for living. If you don't know how much worth your life is, such that someone had to die for you, then how can you have a desire for life and the strength to go through it?


I am so thin from nothingness, like a chewing gum pulled from cement floor by a dirty shoe. I cannot say I need willingness and sustenance, I do not need anything. But my very soul will die for it. I cannot deny it further, it has happened, I now realise tonight, that I am falling apart, and I have no one who knows why, not even myself. How far apart?


I have no answer for you, because I do not even know so myself.


Three hours left to waking, I wish tomorrow never comes. I said that aloud earlier tonight, and C said, 'Don't say that, it has double meaning you know.'


Make me willing, and sustain me. But first, restore to me the joy of your salvation.

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