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Monday, August 14, 2006


8/14/2006 2:59:45 AM

I am a horrible person. I think about the filth that I have in hand, and I feel disgusted by it. No matter how hard we try, we all invariably get filth on our hands, and that is the stain of being human. All man have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.

I find my ways of conflict management varied and largely flawed. Swinging between extremes: at times, I absolve myself from caring about things too much, just so that my opinion will not exist and will not get in the way. I stay low, and detach. I avoid tricky situations. It helps, until I start to care about me, you or anyone else. That is when I feel when no one gets my point and I move into the umbral darkness of my anger. I feel slighted and short-changed as all angry people do, and I hardly accept anything incoming.

This is the critical problem with my conflict management: I fear conflict so much I hardly know how to handle it when it happens. It explodes in my face, and all I can think of is that I have tried so hard to make you happy / keep the peace / do the right things (and avoid the wrong ones), and I don't deserve this. I hate to rant, but at the point where conflict occurs, all I can hear is my own voice in my head saying 'Why doesn't anyone get what I am saying?' and true enough, no one really does. No one. And so I repeat myself a million times till someone, the same someone or another or another, gets what I am saying and says, yeah. Until then I am alone, and nobody understands my point of view.

But there isn't always a someone who will hear me out and say yeah, and I fear that I am poisoning minds with my negativity, so in many things I don't rant. In many fields in my life I am alone, I have no yeah-people in those fields.

I haven't gotten a solution. If I don't care, I won't be angry. But if I care, I will not listen if you disagree after I have tried my best. Where is the balance?

(I will have to figure it out soon.)