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Saturday, November 29, 2014

this week

I am on a leave of absence, a nice way of putting it. 'It' being I have a nervous breakdown and need to recover from it. In this time I am tasking self to try and recover, and J has tasked me to cancel as much work as possible.

For the past week I slept all morning, all afternoon, waking in between but doing very little else besides sleep. Wednesday night I went about my feeding and medicating duties for the cats and caught a panic attack. Thursday I refused to leave my room. Friday I went to see the doctor.

The doctor wonders if I have a metabolic disease that causes me to crash after I overwork (which was last week). He took some blood, advised me to take as much motivation-boosting fatigue-busting Wellbutrin as possible. Friday I managed to sleep a bit less. Today I managed to do more and stayed awake in the afternoon (which is now).

But, despite my lessened workload I can't stop thinking about work. Not doing it doesn't mean not thinking it. Trying my best to relax with music and essential oils. So far, ain't working much. Yesterday I tried to read, I couldn't focus. So here I write.

I do feel overwhelmed by the amount of work still, which means I am not back to capacity. Normally I would be able to handle every task no matter what. Now I just feel like, why isn't there someone to substitute me? Why is it all down to me? 

For now, I guess I have to be resolute and keep to the leave of absence. Do as little as I can. And not think of grand ideas. Don't be an entrepreneur, just for a while. Can I do it? Help me.