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Wednesday, July 18, 2012

sunrises

I hate sunrises. Especially when on holiday, your 'friends' make you wake up early just to catch the sunrise. The sun rises every bloody day, okay?

Right, I do sound like an angsty Gen Y or Millenial kid today. I know that, and I am sorry.

But I still do hate sunrises.

I am now hiding myself from the sunrise, with the curtains of the room drawn, left alone with most of the cats out in the lounge and kitchen instead. I medicate with alcohol so that the dawn of a new day does not freak me out. The idea of having to live a new day scares me out, makes me sad, and weighs me down. When I went to bed last night, I wished it was a long winter-style night that stretched out forever. Alas.

I ended up waking from very little sleep achieved, and starting my day with a cigarette and a prayer. I realised that, in conclusion, I should just - screw the new day -. Who cares what I do or don't do? What I need every day is refuge from pain and if possible, a step towards relieving that same pain. I shall do just that today. Once I am free from the burdens and obligations I set upon myself (or even those laid on by others) I can achieve more.

Yes, that is how I started today, before sunrise. Because every new day is so damn difficult.  I wish I didn't wake up this morning but I did. I wish I could die today, but I can't. I wish it was still night, when the world slept and there was some relief away from it. But no, we can't always have what we want.

If you read this, and feel the same way, my heart aches for you. No one should have to go through the affliction of dreading being alive and hating sunrises. I am truly sorry.

If you read this and don't understand and feel retaliation with a counter-point is necessary, please enjoy life instead. On my behalf. Because I am unable to, no matter what expert advice you might give. Go out and enjoy your Wednesday.

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