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Monday, March 12, 2012

fucking delicious

It may sound superficial - it does to me anyway - but sometimes it is an ego boost to be called, "fucking delicious."

Maybe it is just that while my confidence level in achieving goals is high, almost too high, my self-esteem is in the pits. I don't take praise easily: every compliment dished out to me, I disregard, or ask in detail why they think such a positive thought of me, until I am convinced. Even then, my sense of self-worth really isn't worth very much to myself. The compliment often fades to nothing.

Psychologically speaking, it is because I never received enough affirmation as a child from my parents about my gifts and talents. I didn't expect them either. I just thought, if they didn't say it was good, it meant that what I did was lousy. So I grew up thinking a lot of things about me were lousy. That's the medical explanation in any case.

Praise came from friends, co-workers and suchlike but because I was not used to receiving affirmation, I felt awkward. It meant nothing.

Perhaps that's why being appealing to men is such an ego-boost for me. When a boy or a man is attracted to me, I feel like I have scored a goal, especially with intelligent guys or those with amazing personalities.

All this sounds very screwed up. I think this trait exists in most people who feel rather worthless about themselves. Probably also why those with mental illnesses like depression and bipolar disorder, feel a high when they sleep with strangers, and may be anhedonic about sex with their own partners. We don't feel anything when affirmed in regular ways, so sexual attraction that leads to something real is the only way we feel something at all.

Well, for years I have been working on learning to accept compliments, learning to find my sense of self-worth - wherefore art thou? - and learning to be normal in general. In the meantime, being called fucking delicious is a superb thing to me. Let's go with it for now.

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