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Wednesday, November 09, 2011


What I call my 'emergency medication' is Fluanxol, which helps lift severe mood dips and suicidal ideation. It seems to work like an anti-depressant, but it is actually an anti-psychotic. Which makes me feel like I must be somewhat psychotic that Fluanxol works on me, even though that is an irrational thought; many medications meant for other mental illnesses work on major depression symptoms.

It saddens me more that I have to take it just to not feel sad. That regular things that cheer people up - normal people - don't work on me. Depression really lives up to its name: it is really depressing. I wish I could be more easily cheered up. But, for today's mood dip, I doubt even a bouquet of long-stemmed roses or a bunch of balloons could make it painless for me to smile.

And when I say it hurts to smile, it really does. My cheeks actually feel so heavy, smiling takes more effort and produces a weak smile, unlike the grins I give when I am not feeling low.

Right now I feel low, and lonely. I have no idea for what reason this has transpired. I took a Fluanxol because nothing worked to make this feeling go away. I feel lonely for someone to talk to but I have nothing to talk about. That makes me even sadder.

For now, this sadness has not turned into tears because I took my anti-psychotic in time. I am not smiling yet but my cheeks already feel slightly less heavy. And I don't think I should fight so hard for cheer all the time - the absence of pain and sadness is enough for today.