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Monday, September 27, 2010

no way drug holiday

I feel like shit when I don't take just one of the essential meds I need. I utterly fall to pieces. And when I do I feel like such a weakling, for being nothing without medication and being nowhere near recovery if not for pharmacology.

Yes I do know recovery takes time and time has proven that in some cases my dosages have been reduced. But even on the drugs I feel only 30% normal and without them I am totally nothing. Imagine how it feels to feel only 30% normal functioning human and then feeling even less than that sometimes.

I took a drug holiday on Saturday because I was running low on one of my meds, a NASSA called mirtazapine, which is an adjunct medication to regular antidepressants like SSRI. I felt the lack of it the next day and crashed and burned.

So that is me. I scare my normal GP doctor with the amount of drugs I am taking. No one really understands that taking 3 Lexapros a day is a lot - the maximum dosage is 4. If you ranked the severity of my depression on that, I am between moderate and severely ill. If I lowered the dose to 2 for a day, I crash and burn too.

Yesterday I felt so ill that I puked and couldn't stomach a lot of things. I had to take time out from my volunteer work. I had to cover myself with a blanket and cry. I scared J and my cats but they hovered near me and comforted me.

Thankfully, doctor's visit on Wednesday. I just have to last through tomorrow now.