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Thursday, November 12, 2009


Life sucks. I have been living the past four days without the joie de vivre that is supposed to energise me. I dread doing the housework. I dread having to do things. I dread going out. I wake with itchy eyes and nose, and water retention. I look in the mirror and see a tall fat girl. I am wearing yesterday's clothing. I feel tense.

Yesterday I tried to join my doctor in doing positive associations through my EMDR therapy. Kind of like how one associates watching movies and eating popcorn, I was supposed to associate my work with positive imagery. It didn't sink very deep. My positive imagery was one of me feeding the stray dogs in Ubi. I am supposed to now associate that image - of me being useful - to my work. That my students need me.

I actually like being with teenagers. I like talking to them. I like spending time with them, seeing their childlike yet grown up demeanour. Enjoying their chatter and the things they ask. I am not only good at this but I also actually like it. I don't like younger children as much, that I know. With younger children I need to act adult. With teenagers I can just be myself, my personality is good enough, and I don't need to alter it to fit in with them.

But this doesn't erase my feeling of dread when I wake up, dust in my eyes and nose feeling dry and inflamed.I don't know why I still feel tense; today is the fourth day of feeling this. Do I really need another 'holiday' from life? I don't think so. Am I not resting enough? I don't know.

Maybe this ties in with me not having my computer. I feel most at home when I have a computer to write and read from. I guess that is when I am at rest. Which means I haven't been resting much since my computer died. I just simply don't feel at home using J-Lap, on Google Chrome instead of Firefox (not that it is not good to use), without my usual bookmarks, shortcuts and folders. My life feels transient without my own computer, like I cannot create anything because I don't have my own hard drive to store my own data. I guess in the way we need a brick and mortar presence to call our home, we now also need a cybernetic home we call our personal computer, to give us the sense of security, a very base need of humans.

To me, sitting at a screen is like the male-Martian act of going into his cave. In that way, I am a caveman. I need to recuperate after every hunt, and each book I dive into, each time I sit at my own computer, it is as if I put the blinders on the life around me and enter into my own. And rest.

That is a lot of conjecture. And it doesn't erase this tight feeling I have in my fingers and my chest. I think I simply need to medicate to think straight for now, and then deal with the rest of my day a step at a time. It's gonna be a long day.