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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

memories with strangers

"It's funny how you spend so much of your life with one person, and after a breakup the person becomes like a total stranger to you." This said by my favourite Jap boy Kamenashi Kazuya, on their band's talk show.

I totally agree with what he said. Sometimes it still feels strange that the special ones I connected with so deeply and exclusively once, giving my all, my love, are all now complete strangers. Be just months, or precious years. Sometimes I still have residual imaginary conversations with C, or L, or even H. Things I should have said, or conversations that might have taken place if it was still us. I remember what was endearing to me about them, and as memories, they still are. Their names are still silently on my lips. All the memories, in a permanent repository until finally forgotten.

It breaks my heart just imagining if J ever became a total stranger to me in the future. All the shared tears and laughter, tenderness and comfort, made with him, suddenly disconnected. I know it is not likely to happen, but visualising its possibility wears me down. So I shan't think it.

That's the problem with falling in love voraciously like I do. Too many memories with too many different people. I am not a big enough repository for all of them. I regret everything I ever did to hurt the men in my past, and I carry this guilt with me still and ever.