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Thursday, October 23, 2008

anhedonia:

loss of joy or interest in activities

I gain very little satisfaction from things I supposedly like to do. If I don't do them I will be extremely despondent, like my work, or my hobbies, or spending time with J. But doing them does not make me extremely satisfied either, in fact, I hardly feel anything near satisfaction, joy, or whatever those positive emotions one should gain from doing something enjoyable.

While I am able to draw enough energy to do some of these supposed interests sometimes, other times they are extremely arduous even though I am meant to like these activities.

Hence there is very little emotional motivation to do them again. Or at all.

But I do try anyway. Like we do the things we all have to do, such as washing ourselves and brushing our teeth.

Just imagine though, if the activities that are meant to bring you extreme pleasure, feel like the washing up after dinner or clearing the trash.

I always thought anhedonia simply meant the lack of energy to do things that one loves. But even when you're med-up and energetic enough to wash yourself sometimes, pleasure might still feel like a chore - you just are more able to carry it out.

And that includes my work in Batam. No matter how long I have been desiring such an opportunity, no matter how much I love doing something this meaningful. In out, no pleasure. But not doing this would kill me eventually so I have to do it eventually, just like we all have to go to the toilet everyday.