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Thursday, August 07, 2008

useless

Too awake to sleep, too sleepy to be fully awake - that is the state I am now constantly in. I am sometimes too unwell, too tired, to fulfill obligations. Small setbacks send me drinking, and while I no longer drink to oblivion or knock myself out with medication, I control my angst and bitterness with writing and cigs. At least I am sober and calm.

On Tuesday I received my rejection letter from Brit Council regarding my course. My 'Language Awareness' and 'Written English' is not up to par.

But I am still going to that school in Batam for a reconnaissance trip next week.

I just hope I stay awake enough, and have enough energy to actually do anything useful again. The old E is a figment of the past and I am not even sure if she really ever existed, anymore.

What if I stay broken down forever, however hard I try? I have been scaling this rocky path for so long that even Chaco sandals will wear out on terrain like this.

I can't even go back to remove the ghosts in my past, because my relationship with my parents is my ghost. I can't bring up the ghost with them, because it would drive the ghost even further forlorn. The root of my depression is even more depressing than depression itself.