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Friday, August 22, 2008

takut

From being in a confused hardcore-recreationalist/workaholic state I am in a limbo they call procrastination. I have shit-loads of things to do before I leave for Batam again in September. But apart from dumping my clothes in the washing machine and taking out my notebook to plan my to-do list, I have done nothing. Na-da.

I am afraid of work. Takut. I am afraid I will not do well. So I procrastinate. Yet I know I should not be over-indulging in my gaming/sleeping/watching of films and playing with J. So this morning I sit stunned after I make him breakfast, while I smoke and write here. Stunned. No amount of coffee seems to jolt me into motivated action.

I have been having frustrating dreams of small irritating non-fictional events. Like yesterday, I dreamt of a room full of people talking at the same time, stressing me out. I scream and cry in my dream from the stress of a situation like that. I wake up feeling irritable, so much that I scream out loud, so much that I need a X*anax to calm me down. I sleep again after. Another day is gone, nearing my time towards 1 September.

I will be gone for three to four days a week by then, living in Indonesia. I need to get my lesson plans and classroom material ready by then, and yet while I know I can do it, I seem to also feel like I cannot. Hence my confused state.

Like Jesus said before he went to the cross, "Let this cup pass from me..." because he was sorrowful to the point of death for having to be betrayed and crucified. Yet he wanted Father God's will to be done. So he prayed

My work is my ministry, supernaturally fuelled, God-led. I shall go. Even if I am not fully recovered, I shall go. The best players play hurt.