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Monday, August 25, 2008

still scared

I am still scared, but moving along with shreds and bursts of my inner self that seems stronger than I think it to be. Sometimes my new work seems easy, my ideas and ability to work on them somewhat reminiscent of my former capabilities, even if the work is new and foreign. Other times I keep thinking of how I can postpone my going to Batam, how I can start later and do less, because I feel I am not going to make it in time.

Today my small burst of work came from seemingly nowhere: I thought of the two shirts I bought for my dad and how I will see him later today, and suddenly I felt happy at the prospect because I hope he will like them. Then I got going on my computer while sharing my chair with Slinky, simply typing away at my work. I am not one for forming analytic patterns but it seems I got today going because I thought of small things I will be doing with or for my loved ones. Small enjoyments.

I feel like I have spent most of my working life in a mental breakdown, being in this depressive episode since maybe late 2006/early 2007, till now. This episode seems so much worse than my first one, my first episode seems merely like a bad stomachache. I know I cannot break down again, which is why it is vitally important for me to get better, to deal with all of my residual emotional issues that stem from my childhood. Doc says we still have 'so much to work on', and though it has been more than half a year since I started psychotherapy, all we have been doing is 'moving from crisis to crisis'. (I agree).

I hope I work everything out, and these niggling fears I have of work will not hinder me from doing what I love, which is still first and foremost, serving the basic needs of those who need it most.