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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

alkie

previously written yesterday, Tuesday, 20 May 2008


Here I am sitting at the public house at Hotel Rendezvous downtown. The sun is setting soon; it is still hot out. My Hoegaarden is sweating in its mug-barrel.

I have decided - and this I told my doctor today- that I cannot give up drinking. I am a closet alcoholic. I have been using drink as a coping mechanism since 2003.

He says, "Go ahead," and this is to two a day. "Enjoy it. Just don't take the Ativan (Lorazepam) when you do." My Mom has also said that if I want to drink, drink at home with her. So that I won't get knocked-out drunk outside alone like I was on Saturday.

So this is me. Out-of-the-closet alkie. For real.

Not only do I enjoy alcohol, very much, I also enjoy good music very much, 'live', or DJ sets. But as of now I don't have very many people to enjoy all that with. I have no yuppie solidarity pool to dip into for pub and club companionship.

I drink alone for now, when I am out. At least, at last, I will never need to thirst that way again.

I get high more easily now when I drink, because of my being on medication in general. But I am not looking to get drunk, it is a horrible feeling, which I recently got re-acquainted with many times this year, more than my entire adult lifetime.

Krys texts me later in the evening saying, "An alcoholic? Alone?" before she comes to accompany me. But I really don't have much of a choice I think.

I feel normal, happy, and my thirst is quenched.

But tonight is good. Sober enough, actually happy, and a good night's sleep without medication.