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Sunday, February 03, 2008

and the reasons why...

I can't cry in front of him without him feeling guilty and responsible and therefore angry at me.
I can't be sure he will not abandon me. Again.
I don't want to live with the fear of losing someone because he might leave out of his own will.
He will not marry me while I am depressed and I might be still be depressed when I hit 30.
I can't be sure I can fulfill my dreams and calling together with him.
I don't want my kids to grow up playing tennis in the country club.
I don't need my kids to fly first class travel. I want them to ride various modes of transport cross-Asia with me.
I want to minister to Asia's poor and damned and inspire others to the same.
I want to mother kids abandoned by AIDS, sickness and poverty, more than I want to bear my own children.
I need to learn how to be independent again.
I need to reforge my alliances.
I can't drag him down any further.
I put him through enough shit.
I no longer trust him to be my best friend.
I no longer love him because he no longer makes me feel safe.