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Friday, November 23, 2007

the last twenty days...

I am sorry I haven't written.

I think I am not too sad now. I think my moods are stabilising. Even if I do skip a dose of anti-depressants here and there, I can still be normal, just a bit irritable or mildly unhappy, but not in such a debilitating manner. I can still cope. I will stick on them and refill my prescriptions for the next few months. I think I am a nicer person when on them.

My anxiety is however not getting all that completely better. I managed to get over my constant panic attacks through talking to my resident psychologist friend Mona (superb counsel, free-of-charge!) But now instead of living with panic attacks, I live with a perpetual chest tightness and heart palpitations. When I wake, when I walk, when I am about to sleep. As such, I sleep poorly. I just carry my tightness with me all day long.

I cannot sleep at night, even if I sleep little the day before, or wake early. Or drink herbal tea, take Valerian root, read, or listen to jazz in soft lighting.

I told my parents. They worried about me, but supported me, celebrated my birthday for me, and gave me huge ang-pow for it too. Thinking about my tiramisu cake, and the money my mom gave me, make me so touched I tear up. My twenty-eighth birthday is probably the best twenties birthday I have had in my life.

And I got a job. It is a long story which I have been repeating, as such I will tell the story of that another time. But I am blessed. I start in December.

I have been shopping a lot, on my card. Mammoth cartloads of books, and new suits and clothes for work. C paid for a pair of shoes for me, and I think I will drag him to Coach for a new tote I need, as my birthday gift.

I hope I get better. My life has become as dusty as my house. Everything lies in wait for me.