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Tuesday, October 02, 2007

no words and a crash

When I was still in my old room at home, I discovered that the hardest part of each day, as is the case with most depressives, was simply getting out of bed in the morning. if I could do that much I had a fighting chance. To get through the day, that is. I decided to try to do some writing, hoping it might afford me the same sense of release that it once had, so many years efore. But as soon as I sat down at my typewriter, I froze before the keyboard. I couldn't think of a damn thing to say. No poems, no prose, no words.

Jesus, I wondered, what do you do with pain so bad it has no redeeming value? It cannot even be alchemized into art, into words, into something you can chalk up to an interesting experience because the pain itself, its intensity, is so great that it has woven itself into your system so deeply that there is no way to objectify it or push it outside or find its beauty within. That is the pain I'm feeling now. It's so bad, it's useless. The only lesson I will ever derive from this pain is how bad pain can be.

Prozac Nation, Elizabeth Wurtzel

I removed the things in my life that were not what I wanted or needed to do at this point. I made the career change, I resigned from the less-than-ideal job, I left the church that contained people whom I cannot be friends with because we are too different. Why then, am I still sad? I do not know how to get to the There which I need to go, but at least I know what I do not want or need. Surely it is supposed to help. But all that happens is that I crash again and I can only hope that C will not leave me because I am so depressed because he is all I have left that understands what I am going through. I am going to go back on my anti-depressants, and ask my doc for more. I am going to force my sleep when it should be, through Valerian root and not leave it to happen till morning when become thoroughly exhausted and awake.

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